Many stories have been told about Craig T. Nelson. However perhaps his most heroic story is often passed over by the annals of history. Why is this? Some say it is because it happened on the heels of the Florida Marlins heroic 1997 World Series Victory, which still had the country in a frenzy of excitement over the stories of these unlikely heroes. Other say its because the US government didnt want anyone to know about the situation they couldnt handle. No matter what the case, this nation has never known just how great of a debt it owes Craig T. Nelson. That is until now.
Craig T. Nelsons Finest Hour
A Fact-Based Novella
As Related to Christopher S Tringale
Things began like any other day for Joe Smitherson. He lived a satisfying life, with a great family. He had a great home and he owned a GMC Jimmy, which he currently was driving down the Washington DC turnpike. Joe lived his life distributing novelty golf balls throughout the Eastern Seaboard. Little did Joe Know that his perfect life was about to come to a crashing end.
On his work one day Joe noticed three cars slightly in front of him had been maliciously torn up and overturned. What the hell? he wondered aloud. Just then he saw it, the most horrifying creature he had ever seen in his entire life. And he was coming fast behind him. A massive roar filled the air. With a simple twist of its head, the familiar creature tossed a truck filled with retarded sea lions over the bridge. Good God! screamed Joe, as a giant foot soon crushed his truck. Jumping from his car, Joe soon grabbed his cell phone. He had to let the world know: TRUCKASAURUS WAS LOOSE and boy was he pissed!
Bob Bobseon walked through the hallways of the pentagon at a brisk pace. He was the Deputy Director of Operations at the CIA and he knew he had a whole lot to do. Entering the large briefing room he began to suffocate from the mass amount of cigarette smoke already filled the air.
Gentleman, this is Bob Bobseon, I suspect youve all met him before said George Tenet, the DCI Hes here to present us with some options, on dealing with this horrible problem.
Excuse my gentlemen, theres no time for discussion. Im not sure if any of you noticed, but we have a Tuckasaurus on the loose and its heading this way an angry Bill Clinton yelled. This is a time for action. Have you contacted Agent C.O.A.C.H?
Mr. President Agent C.O.A.C.H has been retired for years. Hes cut all ties with the agency. It would be nearly impossible to even find him Bobeson replied nervously
GODDAMNIT, I DONT GIVE A SHIT! FIND HIM
Fuck dat shit, yo, let me drop a fuckin nuke on this punk ass said the retired Chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff, Colin Powell. You Fuckin crackers dont got no balls. You bitches, cut me loose on this foo and Ill get medieval on his ass.
Im afraid thats quite impossible Mr. Powell said a well mannered English voice.
Who the fuck you, ho?!
This is five time World Monster Truck Champion Nigel Withenthorp, he single handedly created the Grave Digger. WE called him in to consult with us.
You see Mr. Powell, if you studied the Truckasaurus, you would know that this creature was created for a single purpose: To annihilate anything in his path. He can and will destroy as many automobiles as possible, in a way that most white trash would find extremely amusing. Mr. President, Truckasaurus was created to fight off the greatest monster trucks the world has ever seen, so I seriously doubt that a nuclear weapon would even dent it
Powell nodded defeat, then returned to his chicken and waffles. The other chiefs also nodded their heads in agreement. Then it its settled, Mr. Bobbeson, we must find Mr. Nelson and beg him for his aid. I fear he is our only hope. Clinton said gravely
Craig T Nelson got up and put his socks on, then his shirt and pants. On the bed, lay Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, still exhausted. Please come back Craig, I havent had enough.
Nelson lit a cigarette, one of his few vices. Baby, I work for CBS, thats not the type of job you can just skip out on.
I Know, I know, sighed Giselle Goodbye Craig, please dont forget to call.
I always call, baby. Nelson exclaimed, clearly lying through his teeth. He has seen em all and done em all. She was just another mark up on his wall. Jumping on his Harley, he drove off down onto the interstate.
As he came to his apartment, he began to hear helicopter blades. He turned to see the stout man who had already exited the copter. Bobbeson! I should have known.
Its nice see you too Craig. We may have a little work for you, would you be interested?
I told you, Im done with the whole hero business; go find some other sucker to do the agencys dirty work.
Craig, I know you lost your confidence when the Pope survived. It was a great shot, Craig, I dont even know how he survived. But the respect is still there, we all know you gave it your best shot. I mean your still the guy who toppled the government in Chili
Thats true
I mean Jesus, Craig, youre still hands down the best goddamn black-ops guy weve ever seen.
Nelson dropped his cigarette and stubbed it out with his toe. Bob, Im not into this hero shit anymore. I have one purpose in my life; and thats to develop high-quality programming for CBSs Saturday night lineup. I cant think of anything in the world that could be more important than that.
What if I told you that Truckasaurus had escaped.
Nelsons heart skipped a beat. IMPOSSIBLE!
Someone Stole Truckasaurus yesterday, theyre moving towards Washington with it.
Fuck, how many times did I tell those jag-offs in the pentagon that, that thing needed to be destroyed?! It shouldnt have been created in the first place, how could someone create something with such an evil purpose, with so much power.
I now Craig, lord knows I agree with you. But that doesnt matter anymore, all that matters is that youre the only one who can save us.
Nelson pondered this for a moment Ill do it, but I get to pick my own squad.
Nelson observed the motley band of heroes gathered around the table. Gentlemen, were staring through the looking glass here. Time is running out, and its only a matter of time before the most awesome weapon ever conceived by man is upon the city of Washington. We must move fast, we must not be distracted, and we must not lose.
One by one, each of the assembled adventurers look at each other. Fred McGriff youll be in charge of demolitions.
Its important that while fielding, your glove stays low to the ground replied McGriff, peering from under his elevated baseball cap.
Moving on, Horatio Sanz, you will be in charge of the assault team with me, where your martial arts expertise and stealth will be of great use. Sanz nodded, gravely serious. Dennis Quaid, youre also on the assault team. Few people know that your incredible skill as an actor is only can matched by your expertise with the throwing knife. Finally, Chuck youll be our sniper support.
Im afraid that will no longer be possible. Im not helping that leftist pansy Clinton in his own private little war. Damnit Craigory, cant you see that this is not right. Heston said in meticulously pronounced English.
Fuck it Chuck, weve spilled the same blood in the same mud. Weve come too far to just give up now, leave it to the army. Damnit, this isnt about politics, this is about a massive dinosaur shaped metal thing that eats car, CANT YOU SEE THAT?!
There goes a great man. Nelson sighed, as he turned his back to the assembled heroes. Now gentlemen, I believe we have a Truckasaurus to sleigh.
The Truckasaurus quickly made its way down the interstate towards the White House. Thanks to super car Viper our heroes were able to catch up the steel beast. The Nelson Squad slowly made their way up to its base. Using their grappling hooks, they slowly made their way up to the head. Ok, McGriff, start planting the charges on the neck, well blow this bastards head off. The rest of you, follow me, were gonna find out whos behind all this.
Its important to always keep your eye on the ball, until it hits the bat, replied McGriff.
Freds right, we dont have much time. Were almost at the White House
McGriff proceeded, in his fielders stance, to the back of the neck. Meanwhile, Sanz, Quaid and their fearless leader climbed up to the head. Once they stepped onto the bridge, they faced a backwards turned chair.
All right, the jig is up. Just as Nelson said those words, the heroes were quickly ambushed from all sides by shotgun wielding Rednecks. Sanz was a blur of motion, striking them with carefully measured punches and kicks. Quaid hurled his knives, striking the several of the men with one knife. He saw a fourth one aim his gun at Nelson. NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the popular star of film and television yelled. He hurled the knife into the barrel of the gun, which blew up, taking out three more rednecks. However a fifth one shot Quaid in the head. Nelson rushed over to him. Tell Randy.that I loved himeven after I saw Vegas Vacation...
I will Dennis, I swear to god I will. Nelson turned around, only to face an army of Rednecks, who had already disarmed both McGriff and Sanz.
Kill them Craig, forget about our illustrious careers. said Sanz
It is important to make sure that you follow all the way through when you swing said McGriff.
Never! Let them go, and then.. you can have me., Nelson said defiantly. The mysterious man motioned to the guards who then released Sanz and McGriff. Go on you guys, the world is going to need your brash, physical comedy, Heratio, and your impenetrable infielding, Fred. Ill be ok.
Well never forget this Craig. With that they jumped out the window.
Lets roll! Nelson yelled as he leapt into action, flipping a shotgun up from the ground. Quickly dispatching three of the hicks, Nelson quickly finished the final three with a hand grenade. All right, show your face.
Very well replied the annoying Southern drawl. The chair swiveled only to reveal Billy Ray Cirus.
My God, I should have known. Only you would know enough about the Truckasaurus from all the time you spent hanging out at Monster truck rallies. And only you would have the motive to destroy the white house.
Youre smarter than you seem on TV
I learned from the bestJerry Van Dyke.
Well, looks like its the end of the line for you Cirus said as he aimed a pistol at Nelson. Fred McGriffs futile demolition efforts were incomplete, he never activated the explosives. Now were almost to the White House.
But why?! Why would you unleash such a monster onto the good people of America? Nelson asked
The good people of America MY ASS nelson! They wouldnt even give me a chance Craig, not even a chance. Did you know that not one person came out to see my film debut in Radical Jack? Not one! But millions will tune in every Saturday Night to watch you on the District. I cant stand the sight of you Nelson, your witty comments and stunning charm has driven me to sanitys end. So now, Ive devised a plan where I wont ever have to see you again. Soon, Craig well be breaking plenty of Achy Breaky Hearts.
Well, Im sorry Billy but the jig is up, and I just dont think youll understand.
What? Cirus responded to his awkwardly timed and worded anecdote. Than her head blew up like a cantelope.
Thanks Chuck, you just gone blown up and killed this man Nelson yelled out the window. I knew you would come around.
Come on Craig, bring this Truckafucker down a sniper rifle wielding Heston yelled from his John Travolta piloted helicopter.
Truckasaurus
Right
With that, Nelson laid down all the remaining explosives, and jumped onto the pylons under the helicopter. Travolta piloted the helicopter away just as the explosion ripped the head off the monstrosity, dropping it on a cluster of low-income housing on the outskirts of the DC area. The body folded up, crashing to the ground, destroying several buildings within a large barrio. HAHAHA! said Heston. Just missed the White House, and we just crushed about a thousand illegal aliens.
Hahaha, Chuck you old bastard
They all laughed as Travolta piloted the Helicopter into the sun.
Later that week, President Clinton presented them all with medals. Fred McGriff, youre heroism yesterday was just as inspiring as your baseball instruction videos. Your country owes you a debt of thanks.
While playing infield, always remember to stay on the balls of your feet in order to provide you with a greater range of movement.
Well said, well said. Horatio Sanz, you have made us laugh for years, but today, you not only brightened our lives, but saved them as well. You are an inspiration for all Hispanic-American comedians, who someday will achieve the impossible by having a channel full of sloppily-made sitcoms devoted to them.
Thank you Mr. President
And finally, Craig T Nelson. Youre country owes so much to you, not only because of your hilarious sitcom, but because this week you proved that Americas B-list celebrities will always take up the flag and defend America.
Thank you Mr. President. I just did what any other person would do if a giant dinosaur shaped-truck ravaged their country.
Still, is there anything we can do for you?
Well I have had something Ive been kicking around for a few months
So now, a few years later, while people may no longer remember that faithful day when Craig T Nelson destroyed the Truckasaurus and saved the President, they tune in every week to seem him defend the country on his new television show the District. What they dont know is that the show is secretly financed by the CIAs illegal drug trafficking. However, in the end, America owes so much to Craig T Nelson, does that really matter? No it doesnt.
This Novella is devoted to the memory of Dennis Quaid, who died defending his country from a Billy Ray Cirus-controlled mechanical dinosaur
