For me, like millions of other Americans, Coach wasnt just a show, it was a religion. Every week, I would eagerly await a new installment of the varied and hilarious adventures of Coach Hayden Fox, played by a Christ-like Craig T Nelson, as well as his two bumbling assistants, Luther and Dauber (played by a reserved Jerry Van Dyke and a brilliant, yet underrated Bill Faggerbake). However, like every religion, Coach required a complex series of rituals that had to be performed before, during, and after each epic episode.
A few hours before each episode, I would gear myself up by watching The Ted Kennedy Jr Story, starring Craig T Nelson as Ted Kennedy Jr. Next to Coach, this made for television film was about the hilarious life of the zaniest Kennedy brother and was easily the young Nelsons best work. After that was finished, I would make myself some chips and dip, followed by a quick masturbation session fueled by my wide selection of high-quality Shelley Fabares* pornography , which I hid from my mother under my Coach chess board.
Once that step was completed, there was usually time to play with my Coach action figures. Although these did not exist in any retail stores, over a span of 3 years I had constructed near exact likenesses of every character from chunks of marble, as well as a scale model of Coach Foxs house. I would watch all the episodes with my Jerry Van Dyke talking plush toy alongside me. During the show, which I watched on a TV surrounded by wax candles shaped in Foxs likeness, I would stand in quiet solitude, absorbing every brilliant line and phrase, as if it was the word of Nelson himself. One time my brother interrupted me, at which point I bit a large portion of his cheek off. No one ever infringed upon my Coach time again.
Soon the show would be finished, but my Coach rituals were not yet done. After kissing my Clare Carey** autograph (which I later learned was a restraining order), I would slaughter a squirrel in the backyard, and sacrifice it on a makeshift alter I had constructed with Lincoln Logs. This alter, adorned with a bust of Nelson that I had made from Play-Dough, was situated in a tiny corner of the house that I liked to call Coachs Room. Although my parents would later decide to use this corner as two bedrooms and a bathroom, it allowed me to immerse myself in the world of Coach for many years.
Finally, after sending some hate-mail to the owners of the Orlando Breakers, I would retire to my bedroom. After crawling into my handmade Dauber Sleeping bag, I would extinguish the candles around, and turn on my Craig T Nelson night light. I would than be carried into the world of dreams, patiently awaiting next weeks spiritual fulfillment.
*Who played Christine from Coach
**Hayden Foxs daughter
